I decided to take a couple of my lady friends out for an evening with The Riv the other evening. Due to my pimptasticness it was fairly difficult to choose which lucky ladies I would show the time of their lives. I finally decided on Mary Myhatpents and Sally Luketmahbum, two of the luckiest ladies I know. We kibbled. We bit. We totally hit a gravy train......
Anyway, I took my ladies to a special showing of the newly released movie, Cloverfield. Now, I am no movie critic, but I can definitely criticize.......
1. I could have done without the entire first 20 minutes of the film as its only purpose was to set the "plot" that main character Rob was in deeply love with Beth (Super Hot Chick), a girl with whom he had sex, ate strawberries and went to Coney Island with - Once (an easily avoidable problem if you cut out the strawberries and Coney Island). Then as a Huge alien monster (which did look fairly awesome) destroys tankers, Lady Liberty (that hot bitch) and huge skyscrapers, his cell phone seems to be able to get a clear signal and rings and what do you know - it's Beth who sounds hurt and is begging for help. Hence, Rob and friends must go save her, all the while carrying a video camera. Because, you know, every average American will want to document the entire destruction of a city while frantically running for their lives.
2. What the hell kind of friggin hand held video camera is this? It has 12+ hours of running battery time. A high powered light - you know, in case you find yourself filming in a dark tunnel. Night Vision, in case you need to see unexplained pint size monsters that do something completely unexplained to you if you get bitten by them. Easily cleanable camera lens - in case you get blood all over it and only have your sweaty, blood-stained shirt to clean it. Oh and the durability of a friggin Mac truck and not only survives multiple tumbles but also a helicopter crash, a jostle in the monsters mouth - oh and a flippin nuclear strike.
3. I love me some high-heeled women, but I was totally unaware that it is highly probable that while in fancy high-heeled shoes, a fine lady can run all over the city and evade certain death over and over again.
4. Oh yeah, and if you have been impaled in the shoulder by some kind of bar - it is highly probable that several hours later your friends will find you, take the bar out (in an excruciatingly painful looking way) and a few short minutes later you will be able to run full force away from the big scary monster (and look so super hot while doing it - call me).
5. I guess it isn't necessary to let the audience know any details like:
Where did it come from?
What were those things that came off it and what was their purpose?
Did anyone at all survive?
Did they kill it?
But - and this is important so listen up - thank God we know that Rob found Beth and was able to profess his love to his one time sexy-time, strawberry eatin, Coney Island going partner before dying from the bombs that may or may have not killed the big monster and its pint size cohorts.
Look - I am not saying "Don't see this movie".
I'm just saying that if you do, make sure you have sweet eye candy on both front paws.
