The Riv

Blarney!

2008-03-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

SHHHHH! I know she is stuffed................

But I Oinked the hell out of that hot stuffed ham!

2008-02-17T18:46:00.001-08:00

Dear Ryan Newman,

As the latest Daytona 500 champion, I know that you are into the doggies, so, let me throw something out there. You have about 14 pooches (ladies everywhere), so how about doing a calendar together showing off all those sexy bitches. Here is the deal, I supply the pics and you supply the bitches. I lick your paw - you lick mine. I promise all pics will be tasteful (well those that get published). Hopefully you will accept my offer - and remember - what happens at the photoshoot, stays at the photoshoot.

Trust - PlayDoggie is the next big hit.................

Orlando Protest News Coverage / Fox News and Local 6

2008-02-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

Orlando Scientology Protest 2/10/2008

2008-02-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

Thank You To The New York GiantAsses

2008-02-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

I know. I know. I know. It's Thursday. The Superbowl was last Sunday. What took so long?

Let me tell you what took so long.

I partied my ass off alllllllll weeeeeeeeeek looooooooong.

That asshole Eli pulled it out.

Let me clarify something. I am a DIE HARD Dallas McAssholes Cowboy fan. This is serious business. I don't fuck around about this. Jessica Simpson betta recognize cuz I would so go gay for that dimpled fucker Romo.

However, my utter dislike of the New England Pansies runs so deep that I found myself visibly, and unapologetically, rooting for the New York Jackasses. AND THEY WON!!!!!!!!

Life hasn't been this good since BEFORE a certain playoff game in which a certain team beat another certain team in ridiculous fashion because it looked as if Romo and his assinine offensive line suddenly looked like they all shit their pants at once and couldn't keep their brains focused on a certain flippin pigskin that should be friggin driven down the field for a flippin touchdown rather than clumsily tossed around like a bunch of F-ing morons playing flag football in fucking grade school.

Ok. It's Ok. I'm Good.

Thank you New York GiantAsses - Thank You. I appreciate what you have done for this whole country of football loving fans. My only regret is that The Dallas Clumsy McFucktards Cowboys couldn't be the ones to pull that off.

Now - I would also like to throw a thank you out there to that sweet lady, Stevie Tranfeztight who helped me celebrate all week long. You hot bitch.

Orlando Local 6 Coverage

2008-02-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

Orlando Scientology Protest 2/02/2008

2008-02-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

I Am An SP

2008-01-31T21:27:00.001-08:00

As you know by now - I love the ladies. I love them all.

Every. Single. One. Of. You.

You wag the hell out of my tail!

Unfortunately, I have recently learned that there is an entire group of ladies out there that refuse to sniff ass with me. Shocking - I mean - I am The Riv.

These people are called Scientologists, they believe in some crazy-ass alien shiznit and they have deemed me an SP.

It is sad really, to think of all those unlucky females that may never feel the touch of my paw.

I must save them from this cruel fate. I. Must. Paw. Them All. They need me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. Seriously - Scientology is a dangerous cult. The signs pictured below are for a protest Feb. 2008. For more information on this cult please visit xenu.net or xenutv.com

Gettin Buff

2008-01-30T17:10:00.000-08:00

Many of my admirers have asked me about my awesome Bod.

Well ladies, wonder no more.......

Welcome

2008-01-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

I have decided to share more of me.

You know you want it.

You know you need me.

I will be updating this site at least a couple of times a week - maybe more.

I have added my previous blogs from myspace page and I hope you like what I have so far.

I would love any suggestions - and I may or may not take them.

Oh - and don't ever doubt my Pimptasticness.......

Cloverfield

2008-01-22T12:46:00.000-08:00

I decided to take a couple of my lady friends out for an evening with The Riv the other evening. Due to my pimptasticness it was fairly difficult to choose which lucky ladies I would show the time of their lives. I finally decided on Mary Myhatpents and Sally Luketmahbum, two of the luckiest ladies I know. We kibbled. We bit. We totally hit a gravy train......

Anyway, I took my ladies to a special showing of the newly released movie, Cloverfield. Now, I am no movie critic, but I can definitely criticize.......

1. I could have done without the entire first 20 minutes of the film as its only purpose was to set the "plot" that main character Rob was in deeply love with Beth (Super Hot Chick), a girl with whom he had sex, ate strawberries and went to Coney Island with - Once (an easily avoidable problem if you cut out the strawberries and Coney Island). Then as a Huge alien monster (which did look fairly awesome) destroys tankers, Lady Liberty (that hot bitch) and huge skyscrapers, his cell phone seems to be able to get a clear signal and rings and what do you know - it's Beth who sounds hurt and is begging for help. Hence, Rob and friends must go save her, all the while carrying a video camera. Because, you know, every average American will want to document the entire destruction of a city while frantically running for their lives.

2. What the hell kind of friggin hand held video camera is this? It has 12+ hours of running battery time. A high powered light - you know, in case you find yourself filming in a dark tunnel. Night Vision, in case you need to see unexplained pint size monsters that do something completely unexplained to you if you get bitten by them. Easily cleanable camera lens - in case you get blood all over it and only have your sweaty, blood-stained shirt to clean it. Oh and the durability of a friggin Mac truck and not only survives multiple tumbles but also a helicopter crash, a jostle in the monsters mouth - oh and a flippin nuclear strike.

3. I love me some high-heeled women, but I was totally unaware that it is highly probable that while in fancy high-heeled shoes, a fine lady can run all over the city and evade certain death over and over again.

4. Oh yeah, and if you have been impaled in the shoulder by some kind of bar - it is highly probable that several hours later your friends will find you, take the bar out (in an excruciatingly painful looking way) and a few short minutes later you will be able to run full force away from the big scary monster (and look so super hot while doing it - call me).

5. I guess it isn't necessary to let the audience know any details like:
Where did it come from?
What were those things that came off it and what was their purpose?
Did anyone at all survive?
Did they kill it?
But - and this is important so listen up - thank God we know that Rob found Beth and was able to profess his love to his one time sexy-time, strawberry eatin, Coney Island going partner before dying from the bombs that may or may have not killed the big monster and its pint size cohorts.

Look - I am not saying "Don't see this movie".

I'm just saying that if you do, make sure you have sweet eye candy on both front paws.

The Green Eyed Monster

2007-05-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ladies..........Ladies.................Ladies

There is plenty of River beefcake to go around, no need to fight over my sexilicious body.
Don't resort to this..............I love all my ladies equally.

BTW - this has sorta loud audio...........

Mardi Gras

2007-02-28T12:16:00.000-08:00

First of all, I need to apologize to all my special ladies for not spending time with you on Valentine's Day. I know some hearts were broken and some tears were shed but rest assured that I thought of you often..............

Where was I, you ask?

I was preparing for the Mother of All Parties. Yes, my friends, I was doing it up NOLA style and gettin my Mardi Gras groove on. Unfortunately I cannot divulge much information as to what happened the week leading up to Fat Tuesday or during the parties the week after. There are many reason why this is the case, such as; loss of memory, lack of normal inhibitions, brief periods of feelings of No Shame, several (deleted) pictures involving boobies, several pictures involving *&%$*@^ (saving for another occasion), and not too mention a clear case of pure stupidity.

Also, I would like to just share a story with all my friends..........a story of love. Don't worry ladies, it is a love that can no longer be, it was brief but it was strong. Two of the most pleasurable days of my life I spent with Thelacka. She was the sun, moon and stars to me. She showed me things that even my mind couldn't imagine. So to you, Thelacka Fachina, you strong, tall, hairy lady..............our love can no longer be............but you will be in my heart forever...............

The New Itch

2007-02-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

It is time for me to fess up - I have been hiding this for quite some time.

I am not sure how to tell you all this so I will just say it.

I am allergic to grass.

Yes me, a dog, allergic to grass. More specifically I have Canine Atopic Dermatitis ( I am also allergic to Frontline - you don't even want to know what that does to me).

Unfortunately the rents are seemingly trying to cramp my style, just look at this crap. BOOTIES!!!!!!??????????

Ladies don't be distraught, for I ASSURE you that this will NOT interfere with my pimptasticness.

Booties My Ass................